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Today is Thursday, January 05, 2006

but then again...

sometimes i have so many things going on in my mind i couldnt well decide wat to say. life havent really been good with me i think, but i duno why. some point of my life i felt as if my life is a hopeless scenario.

working life has been smooth. but recently i came to a point where i see no reason to go to work. work has no longer soothing effect for what i have at home. probably i was really tired about it. probably it's the journey to work and bath that has taken a bit toll on my body and my money! i have to call a cab everytime bf having difficulty waking up. each time travel will cost me RM5++ and additional 1 ringgit for calling.

speaking of the devil, i've spoken to him how i feel. it still goes back to the same shit! each time i had to initiate the conversation which will end abruptly. sometimes i wonder why i even try since this shit started since last year. i know probably i hadnt treated him the way he wanted, but at least im trying now. but what shit he has been telling me that he still "need time" to "get over"... how long?! shit! how long?!?!

im tired. but i have no power to leave. why?! sometimes i hate myself so much i could kill myself. but then again, im not the kinda person who would kill some myself for some one who isnt willing to spare as much effort on the relationship.

i hate it sometimes that i cant get over something which i should have. tried taken sleeping pills to bed (thanks to mingming :-D ). i slept particularly well that nite, which is cool coz i havent been sleeping the way i slept the nite i took sleeping pills. oh i should emphasize that it's only half a pill and it feels great. mayb i should get more supply but mayb not.
see, im confusing myself with what i want.

i know what i wanted at this point of time. i wantetd a hug from the person who said will love me for the rest of his life and the due date, well "1 day after forever" (so sweet right?!)... i dun wanna ask for the hug. so im waiting for it. i know it's a shame. people would say, fight for what u want, but then again, if u keep asking for something that someone isnt really wanna give to u unless u ask, damn! u feel so ashame of urself!

im ashame of myself sometimes that how could i spend time waiting for a guy to pay attention on me. I should be expecting GUYS to pay attention on me. but then again... sigh! im sucha loser.

i totally freaked out on 1st Jan. i couldnt bear the sight of bf smiling and laughing to other ppl except me. i still dun understand... anyway, i couldnt pretend i was happy anymore. so i cried.

btw, i have been pretending. of coz, not here not in zoominglens. but in 19-3 OUG. everyday i tried to come home with a smile. well, sometimes i do off from work with happy mood. but the moment i step into the train, the mood just free fall to ground when i think of the face i'll be seeing when he fetch me from the train station. i greeted him happily several times, which was returned by the kindest kinda respond --- a short "mm", or sometimes, nothing at all. fine!!! still trying to be happy and trying to make my so called life happier, the smile was still painted on my face. damn! i aint a good pretender, so i still cry myself to sleep sometimes at home.

this is pathetic...

i think the God that I pray to everyday knows how i feel. if it's not my halucination i had seen His eyes looking down on me when i was crying while praying to Him. I know He is there. I also know that God will help those that will help themselves. So im trying. believe me, I am. tho it might not as sucessful as it should be but im still trying.

gosh! im tired...

bored to you by a living micro~organizm @ 1:58 AM

3 human said something:

@ Thursday, January 05, 2006 10:20:00 AM, s4ints shouted…

That's how love is ain't it..
Give you one chocolate cake, you eat it, you love it... but once you have one too many it gets yucky and you detest it... I'm not saying that love is like the chocolate cake but what I mean is love like everything in life, needs to breath.. You need time to be together and time to do what you want to do.. So hence eating the cake once in a while makes it so much nicer than having it everyday..

Well let's just say that you are lucky to even have a piece of cake.. I haven't had any in a long time.. So long til I don't even want to spend time thinking of how sad and pathetic life may be.. If this is how life is meant for me, I sure as hell won't want to feel sad and depressed for the rest of the journey.. I won't kill myself either.. I find that too cowardly.. Killing myself means I can't take hold of the responsibilities which has been given to me..

Anyway I think you will do fine.. Just find something to do.. A hobby, sport, something which enables you to meet people.. or if you hate doing that then find something that makes you feel calm and happy (eg. reading a book, puzzles.. yada yada) Just don't drown yourself with thoughts.. 8 D
@ Thursday, January 05, 2006 1:28:00 PM, a living micro~organizm shouted…

ehhe, i've got another 4 books to read!
@ Friday, January 06, 2006 10:28:00 AM, s4ints shouted…

The Children Book from Germany is one of em eh? 8 p
ehehe.. I haven't read anything in a long while.. Spending too much time at the rocks.. Hehehe..